Psychiatrist cut another one of my meds

It seems like either I will have to become the first ever patient of drug resistant clinical depression, OCD, chronic insomnia that will heal herself [miracle] or I will have a breakdown.  I’m living on average about 4 hours sleep at night and I fall asleep sitting up at my computer for short naps during the daytime. I also have a tablet I just use to play games on II doze off at that as well]. The severe insomnia is one of the reasons the depression got so bad last time. I don’t think your brain can provide enough of the right chemicals if it is deprived of sleep for long periods of time.

Definition of clinical depression and symptoms 

This is a decent article on the subject of my diagnosis except that over the years mine became drug-resistant as well. That made it much more complicated leading to having to try every anti-depressant, new and old[SSRI’s], there were. Then trying the MAOI’s.-they had terrible side-effects on me. Then finally to save me from shock treatments. My psychiatrist had an inspiration. Three anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer plus sleeping pills I was on he added a strong tranquilizer. I took everything at night and it knocked me out and it took only a matter of days for the fog to lift. By that time I was walking into walls pushing pull doors and vice versa dropping things I had perpetual bruises on my shins from walking into things – never mind the emotional mess I was in.

I used to have trouble sleeping even as a child, I was always a night person – they say if you were born after midnight you would be one. I was born at 3:05AM.  25 Scary and Surprising Things about Sleep Deprivation

Oh and I was on a light tranquilizer during the day for the OCD which calmed it down enough so I could retrain my brain from those bad habits that was another story. And I was so scared that nothing was working…that’s probably where a lot of the anxiety came from.


It took me a whole day to write that….

August 1 saw him again after he’d cut another med down. It was pointless he wouldn’t listen he kept on lying about the Physicians and Surgeons ordering this, they haven’t. I researched it, I went to another psychiatrist and he was not informed of it. It was a lie. It also made no sense to cut benzodiapines for people not diagnosed with any heart problems and not on heart medication and then say you are doing it for the person’t heart. He may as well have said he cut mymeds to protect my hair. my gall bladder that has been removed or my lungs. It’s completely nonsensical so the only reason he can be doing this is to get rid of me as a patient, 18 years is a lonng time he’s had enough okay I will leave.



Your DNA and big drug companies?

I meant to follow up on the article I posted about Glaxo and people volunteering to send in DNA  swabs and I didn’t. I wanted to warn people of the potential dangers of this since big pharma is not exactly our friend. It’s not in their interests to cure diseases only treat them with more drugs. It would put them out of business if they cured everything right, right. Okay glad we cleared that up also they are at times in cahoots with government folks who are trying to figure out how to cut medical costs. Hmmmm. Yes starting designer plagues to wipe out the unwanted would do that. One of the first things Hitler did when elected was get all mentally ill patients and physicallt disabled people and put them on trains to the first camps where they were shot as soon as they arrived.  Think of how suspiciously AIDS got OUT OF A LAB not a naturally occurring virus right? Some people are slow so we’ll give them a break.

The only reason to give those drug companies your DNA would be:

  • you have a fatal/debilitating illness there is no treatment for
  • you have a rare disease that causes you a lot of pain/other bad symptoms that none of the drugs on the market can treat the pain/make better
  • you have a hereditary disease and you want to have kids but right now chances are very GOOD your kid will end up very sick/in pain/require surgeries/will die young etc – no treatmen for that syndrome type of thing
  • rare always fatal cancers there are a few

Never give the enemy the advantage, they may find a way to make you live longer but be in perpetual hell on earth just so they can sell more drugs and keep people out of hospital beds until their last breath on earth.  Ever read the Georgia Guide Stones? Heard of Agenda 21? PUT THE SWAB DOWN.



My psychiatrist cut my meds which were working great for 18 yrs

If he had been honest with me I would have at least respected that if not liked it. He made up some bs about losing his medical license if he didn’t do it which sounded very fishy to me. I keep my eye on the news when it comes to changes in legislation regarding mental health issues in my neck of the woods, I’d heard nothing. I googled franticly when I got home very upset from the appointment. I couldn’t find anything.

I made an appointment with a second psychiatrist and asked him, nope he knew nothing about anything like that and he was a young eager looking guy so I figured he’d be sure to have kept up with all the literature vs my old guy who was so busy all the time he never even returned messages.  By then I was very peeved. it had been 3 or more months since meds got changed and with that I was falling into some very bad but familiar old habits. I got stuck in a rut. I couldn’t make a life decision to save my life other than to go get a cup of coffee and sometimes not even that. I knew there were some things I should do and didn’t for quite awhile like look up my old doctor who had put me on this cocktail of meds in the first place as a last ditch effort to keep from having to get electroshock treatments which is all there was left for him to offer me and he was the best psychiatrist in the teaching hospital where I lived.

And by six months it was getting worse my sleep was all out of whack and nerves were shot. I would fall asleep sitting up during the day and then during the night either not be able to sleep or fall asleep on top of all the things I had scattered beside me. I’d wake up with weird markings on myself from all this stuff with the lights all still on; videos playing over and over on my laptop, my tablet pinging me for attention. I didn’t want to even talk to my partner or the dog. That is severely antisocial behavior. That is not like me. I got irritable at stupid things. Finally I pulled myself together enough to at least let each doctor know the name of that psychiatrist and where to reach him luckily he is still practicing. I don’t know if he would have kept my file but at least I’d feel better if they consult with him on my case since he is the best.

We are on the warpath again, my friends, some quick advice from the peanut gallery – I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be to see a child or teen suffering through a mental illness. Anti-depressants can cause suicidal thoughts, they didn’t in me, but I wasn’t that age but looking back at my life I see that my depression started in early childhood. Talk therapy is slow but it is a lasting solution to many problems teens have, something to consider[ie if they are binging, drugging, drinking, cutting, stealing, anorexic, acting out sexually or violently and/or have sleep disorders. Time in a safe facility where they are locked down but have 24 hour a day access to counsellor regular group therapy in some cases might be advisable to keep them safe and get them ‘over the hump’.  The facility should encourage you to visit or at least call/leave messages but leave it up to the teen so they feel in control of their treatment. Smaller children can be helped with art and other types of therapy. You just need to keep trying to find what fits  your child the best.

5 Terrible Things the Drug Companies Do Not Want You to Know

Continue reading

Beware of the quacks, arm yourself with education on every med you take

Psychiatry Has Destroyed Sinead O’ Connor..

Sinead’s heartbreaking video is as the article says not a one of in kind in terms of what happens to some patients diagnosed with a mental illness or more than one and medicated particularly long term. Speaking as someone who has been on anti-depressants since 1980 I know the toll they have taken on my brain, my ability to think and concentrate and to remember. I am not who I was but I am alive because of them.

I was getting so increasingly depressed that the suicidal thoughts were getting out of my control. And deep down I really didn’t want to die. The anti-depressants saved my life. But over time, I needed more to do the same purpose. All my life I have been that kind of person, an addictive personality and with a body that grows higher tolerances for medications whether it is for pscyh meds or for pain. This has caused me no end of grief in some ways. I would have to keep changing anti-depressants to get the same effects. Then I hit the lowest point where I would say was like Sinead.

My regular psychiatrist could come up with no more ideas. Luckily I was living in a big city at the time. He sent me to the best of the best, the psychiatrist that taught other psychiatrists at a teaching hospital. And we started from scratch again in a way, not the same old meds but with combo meds, combinations of anti-depressants. This went on for several months, some seemed to help a little enough for me to keep working with great effort. I confided in my boss [ I was luckily blessed with a very understanding one – as long as the work was done okay we’d see how it went] The work was so familiar to me that most of it I could do half asleep anyway lol. It was just hard to put on a show that ‘all was normal’ when many days it wasn’t.

The stigma is hard to take, I hid my illness at first, but as time went on and the cycles of it got worse – people could see me struggling. A few childhood friends never forsake me but all my family changed towards me – I withdrew somewhat. They didn’t intend to hurt my feelings but they did. If I had cancer or MS would they have started to talk to me like I was “slow” or instead of the most educated member of the family like I’d slipped a few rungs? But that is what it is like often.

When a combo failed it was very depressing to have to start over again, I kept fearing nothing would work. Some drugs had side effects that made me clumsy, I’d bump into things a lot it was very embarrassing. This went on for months until even this best of the best was ready to say I needed to try shock therapy because I was quite depressed again. But by this time I was getting proactive looking into therapies for hard to treat depressions. I refused shock therapy I made a suggestion surprisingly the doctor went for it he put me on a combo of anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer. I was already on meds for persistent insomnia. I felt better every day.  It had worked.

This is my story I am not saying it will work for you. But I never went on any medication  I didn’t research the side-effects of first. And in the case of combos the interactions between the drugs. I took responsibility for my disease as well as sought out help from the best I could find and I didn’t give up even though it was very hard. I didn’t make videos but I wrote in a journal and I have those journals to this day that recorded my battles with not just depression but insomnia and even for a time a really bad case of OCD.  Don’t give up Sinead, all of you Sineads out there, there is hope, and help I promise you.

E-cigarettes and vaping who would have thunk it?

After my big rant about the lies and hypocrisy on cigarette packages and media and just the medical community in general I finally seriously looked into the whole electronic cigarette thing. For those who don’t know it’s a mechanical device that allows you to ”smoke” and get your nicotine fix without any smoke or all those chemicals the cigarette companies put into their products to make them even more addictive and harmful for the smoker. As I said in my last post I still believe most of what is said about second and more ridiculously they call it even third hand [the fumes, smell, whatever from a smoker’s room or house or car or whatever confined space] is utter crap but I am doing this for me not for anyone else.

Yes, my house and car and clothes stink to non-smokers but to be quite honest I don’t give a bleep. That is their problem not mine I don’t force them to smell it. My partner and my dog are used to it by now and I have been using an air cleaner in my room 24/7 for ‘their’ sakes more than  for mine. I just got fed up with all of the crap about it and decided I am finally going to switch and hope it sticks.

I ordered the stuff a few days ago and I already received my e-cigarette kit. It is sure going to take some getting used to that’s for sure. I am awaiting the other part the e-juice as it is called which is what you put into the e-cig that contains the nicotine and produces a vapor rather than smoke when you use your device. From what I understand it has no scent and is colorless, just like a puff of steam or something.  Those who want to know more can ask or look it up but I just thought I would mention this in case someone else may be interested in the topic and as a sort of rebuttal to the all the crap I have been going through due to my smoking.

It costs a fair bit of money to get started in this so I don’t know how much cheaper it is gong to be but I just know that there will be advantages in that with being disabled it is just too hard for me to go outside in the winter and smoke when I go some place. Often there’s not even any place to sit or it’s really cold I just have had it with all this stuff I don’t want all the hassle anymore. I give up okay? I will get my nicotine you can’t take that away from me you ignorant, insensitive, ill-mannered people that have insulted  me to my face. But the cigarettes will be gone okay?

But do you know one thing I know I will never do and never be? I will never turn into one of them, one of those people that quit smoking and act so holier than thou about it, I will never turn up my nose at a smoker and I will never ever be as rude thoughtless heartless as they have been to me. And you know why I know that? Because I did quit smoking once and I lasted nine months and not once did I react that way to anyone smoking or cigarettesmoke. I am an addict, a recovering addict so I know what it means to be addicted and not to be able to stop. I would go out of my way to be unfailingly kind and respectful to someone who is still addicted, just like I am to drunks. I know what that is like. I was there. So I am not going to insult you or sneer in your face or put up my nose when I go by you like I am superior to you because I am not. I am you.  there but for the grace of God go I…..? no I will still be addicted I will just be using my mechanical cigarette instead of smoking…..I am more than just an addiction I am a human being and I deserve better we all do.

Smoking nazis and bad research again


March 13, 2015

]It is bad enough when a parent or parents lose a child to SIDS but these false claims that smoking had anything to do with the death of the child makes me utterly enraged. I have seen family and friends of mine go through the whole quitting smoking the minute they find out they are pregnant and making the husband either quit or smoke outside of the house like he is a refugee in his own home not only during the pregnancy but while children are growing up. No smoking in the car! Anywhere! Make parents feel so guilty for every little thing they do, it infuriates me.

I grew up in a household where I was exposed to smoke from conception until I left home. Both my parents smoked like chimneys. They did not quit until they were in their 50s and became Nazis themselves and I felt unwelcome in their homes [they eventually divorced]. Most of my family ended up either quitting smoking or did not smoke until I was the last holdout. I refused to quit almost on principle. One, I didn’t believe all the garbage about second hand smoke [I will give you links you can look up about that and I will give you a quote from an authoritative source about the real cause of SIDS which has been known for some years but still it is on big graphic warning labels on cigarette packages that it is killing babies and it is full of crap]. And two, I refused to be bullied into doing something I enjoyed and was my last remaining vice. I had to quit drinking I had no choice I had no other addictions except to a few comfort foods and I felt like I am suffering enough without having to suffer anymore giving up something that helped to distract me from my pain. I may be a fool but it is my choice to be one in this case.  Here is the quote about SIDS from

It is now widely believed that infants that are affected by SIDS are born with a predisposition which makes them more vulnerable to physiological stresses, and current research is focusing on identifying subtle abnormalities in the brain and brain stem, particularly in those areas responsible for the control of breathing and heart rate.[1]

Although this has been known for several years, more recent research[12] has suggested that the role of serotonin and its deficiency in the possible pathogenesis of SIDS is more important than had previously been realized. This may also help to explain the vulnerability of boys. It may also explain some susceptibility of families.”


This is an article written by doctors remember that. And here are the links about second hand smoke being a load of total bull crap. If people died from second hand smoke it would be on their death certificates but is it there? No and you will never see one person you know or ever know that has died of second hand smoke because it’s never killed anyone….

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

The Myth of Second Hand Smoke


see below



Fox Business pundit: ‘No good data’ for deaths from secondhand smoke

Study Finds No Link Between Secondhand Smoke And Cancer

The Hittman Chronicle Name Three

Added Note: I had to search high and low to find out where the original warnings about second hand smoke came from and it seems it was the American Department of Health who started this but not because they did any studies on it but they plucked out studies from other countries and when I tried to track those studies down now they are no longer available now isn’t that strange hmmmm. I could joke about smoking guns and where there’s smoke there’s fire here but I suppose that is in poor taste lol.

The main point I am making is that I cannot find ANY study published showing that second hand smoke has harmful effects on other people. Oh yes cigarette smoke harms us smokers no doubting that but other people? I have more belief that other people are harmed by pollution in the environment whether it is exhaust fumes from motor vehicles, emissions from all sorts of manufacturing and power plants, toxic fumes from everything synthetic that we have around us whether it is carpet, clothing, cleaning supplies, all sorts of things we use on our bodies that I have no confidence have been tested enough, food that has been sprayed with herbicide and fungicide and artificial fertilizers that it has absorbed, meat and milk and eggs from animals that have been given hormones and antibiotics and who knows what else in order to make more profit and less loss and I could go on and on.

There are reasons that people in the biggest Japanese cities go around wearing masks. The level of air pollution in their over crowded cities is so bad it is not that they were bothered by cigarette smokers that is for sure. In point of fact if smoking had bothered non-smokers so darned much all these years why weren’t they wearing masks to protect themselves? No answer to that one eh didn’t think so, if you were that afraid of getting cancer why weren’t you wearing one? Your health is YOUR personal responsibility not MINE. So why do I lose all my rights and freedoms because you refuse to take responsibility and protect yourself against something harmful when you are around it? I have to be inconvenienced and forced to smoke in my car or way the heck down the block of a building because of a smoking ban because you are too lazy to take precautions and take care of yourself. So I am public enemy number one when there is no proof what I am doing has harmed anyone else but me.

Democracy is a dictatorship where the majority rules and right now smokers are a minority vs a few decades ago we were the majority. If people weren’t so damned nasty about my smoking I could let it ride but they just won’t stop and they just won’t give me a break, I’m addicted to nicotine okay, it isn’t easy to quit even if I wanted to. I tried to and lasted 9 months and gained 30 pounds, I joked that it was like getting pregnant and then not having the baby to show for it after all that suffering…. I could add dozens more sites and if you want any more proof let me know…I just had it with this whole topic today

Back with some news on the brain shrinking thing I talked about before earlier post

In the good and not so good news post I had found out about the brain actually physically shrinking if you are depressed for a long period with no let up.Now I found this article about what might be the cause of why we long-term-ers if you want to call us that [ie if you deliberately isolate yourself for long periods of time and avoid social contact I would call you a long term depressive at risk for the [grey matter loss]. I count myself in that group as well I feel like I am losing more and more of my mental faculties every day, and I am not just exaggerating because I am depressed. It has been so long since I had a normal healthy social life, where I had a balance of good feelings and bad ones like normal people do that it is like some myth that people have made up and I am losing touch with my ability to feel a capacity to carry on that kind of life any more. That I am already too far gone. Like some one who had a car accident and had brain damage and loss of oxygen to the brain. They have just hit the wall that they will never get back to the life they once had, the career they once had,,, the social relationships are just not possible to maintain or even to try to rescue and resume.  Well here is what they say hope it helps explain.

Depression Shrinks The Brain, And Now Scientists Have Found The Protein Responsible For It

We are more complex than we even thought and the answers to our depression are going to have to be more complex as well. I know I just cannot deal with stress at all anymore, it just overwhelms me when it used to challenge me. I will be watching for the progress they make because what I am on is just not cutting it anymore. Keep looking for answers, as one of my old fav characters used to say, the truth is out there……

Insomnia really sucks, it makes pain and depression worse

I have had a sleep disorder most of my life. I remember as a child getting up and looking out the bedroom window and thinking I was the only one in the world awake right now. Living on an isolated farm it was easy to believe it.

When my depression finally got bad enough I was so messed up from trying things that didn’t work the insomnia was torture and I finally got prescribed sleeping pills. [Sorry about that guys I published by accident I am not thinking too clearly]. I also saved my depression meds for night time as they usually had drowsy side effects. Sometimes they knocked me out for awhile.  But in time it always came back….

Like this past month or so I have been falling asleep in the daytime and am awake at night or part of it and dozing off and on sitting up during the day in bed with my laptop trying to work on my other website which is just crawling along by the way at this rate it will take another month to get the next walkthrough up on the site.

No funny research this time, or whacky stuff this time someone proved the truth of what my title says but no doctor will do dick all about if you go to them and complain that the pain is worse……

I didn’t even know there was a Journal of Clinical Pain huh…..

Skip Navigation LinksHome > March/April 2002 – Volume 18 – Issue 2 > Major Depression and Insomnia in Chronic Pain
Clinical Journal of Pain:

Major Depression and Insomnia in Chronic Pain

Wilson, Keith G. Ph.D.*; Eriksson, Mariane Y. B.A.†; D’Eon, Joyce L. Ph.D.*; Mikail, Samuel F. Ph.D.‡; Emery, Patricia C. B.A.†

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Objectives: Insomnia and depression are common problems for people with chronic pain, and previous research has found that each is correlated with measures of pain and disability. The goal of this study was to examine the combined impact of major depression and insomnia on individuals with chronic pain.

Methods: The participants were patients with chronic musculoskeletal pain who underwent evaluation at an interdisciplinary treatment center. On the basis of semistructured interviews, participants were classified in three groups depending on whether they: (1) met criteria for major depression with insomnia (n = 38); (2) had insomnia without major depression (n = 58); or (3) had neither insomnia nor major depression (n = 47). The groups were then compared on self-report measures that included the McGill Pain Questionnaire, the Beck Depression Inventory, and the Multidimensional Pain Inventory.

Results: Participants with major depression and insomnia reported the most difficulty on measures of affective distress, life control, interference, and pain severity, although the insomniac patients without major depression also had elevated scores on some measures. In regression analyses, insomnia severity ratings did not contribute uniquely to the prediction of psychosocial problems when depression was controlled, but they did contribute to the prediction of pain severity.

Conclusions: These results suggest that patients with chronic pain and concurrent major depression and insomnia report the highest levels of pain-related impairment, but insomnia in the absence of major depression is also associated with increased pain and distress.

© 2002 Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, Inc.

Drink more coffee, be less depressed

I have always been a coffeeholic and I didn’t know it was supposed to be doing me good. It didn’t stop my clinical depression from happening but perhaps it does alter my mood and I don’t notice it because I haven’t really paid attention to it. But yeah, for once, something I do to excess, is actually doing me good for a change. And when I make coffee I don’t mean a mild sort, it’s almost espresso. So if you have been feeling guilty about drinking the caffeinated coffee stop beating yourself up now. Clinical trials prove that over years it has made a difference in women’s lives. I will post the article here for you to read.

Have you been smoking in your car? That’s why you are depressed NZ researchers sayt

From the sublime to the ridiculous is what I have always said about the claims the anti-smoking lobby have made in order to try to get people to quit and instead they just make themselves look cross-waving kooks. In Canada here they have forced Canadian cigarettes manufacturers to put huge pictures and printing of what they say are the causes of cancer and ways of trying to make you quit by the grotesque and gross photos they use, some are just aimed at producing the maximum amount of guilt possible by saying other people are suffering by your second hand smoke. One that is particularly specious is a picture of an empty crib and a claim that smoking has something to do with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and the fact of the matter is there is no known cause of SIDS. It happens in homes with parents that don’t smoke and don’t even allow smoke in the house.

I grew up, was born in fact to two smoking parents and started to smoke at 16. I experimented with it earlier than that of course since it was around the house constantly but that was when I started to buy my own and my parents could hardly be hypocrites about it and complain too much if I wanted to spend what little allowance money I had. [At age 16 Mom allowed us to keep our portion of what was then called family allowance money that she got for each of us monthly from the government and we could spend it on whatever we liked]. It became my first addiction and it my last one and although I have tried to give it up for financial and health reasons I have been unable to stay quit. It seems to be my last ‘comfort sin’ since I don’t have any other available to me in the state I am in, or so I rationalize. It’s enormously expensive and I do without so many other more important things and I know all the reasons to quit but I refuse to be bullied by the anti-smoking lobby especially when they lie and twist the facts to suit their purposes.

They have made pariahs of 1/3 of the population of the country. Because we are a minority we can do little to fight back against the lies but I wanted to go on record about this about how wrong it is for other people to tell you how to live in a free country. They tried that in the US with prohibition and everyone knows how that turned out. It turned honest people into criminals and hypocrites. And the anti-smoking lobby is doing much the same with smoking. By lying about the effects of smoking and trying to tell people how to live their personal lives, regulate where they can go and what they can do everywhere except in people’s own homes and cars [which they have now attacked even that] they are going so far off the edge of sanity never mind the respect for personal privacy and individual rights and freedoms in a free country that they don’t see they are turning their country into something akin to a Nazi state when it comes to personal habits they don’t approve of. There are groups that are the same about drinking and about sex before marriage, abortion, all manner of things and all these groups keep chipping away at our freedoms and rights to live and die the way we choose to in our own private property.

They will not stop hounding smokers and turning more people against us until everyone hates us and our habit or addiction. It makes me incredibly sad that they do not see what they are doing is wrong.

What about depressed people and them smoking in their cars? I’d say that maybe more depressed people probably do smoke. We are probably under more stress than other people for one. We smoke in our cars because at work you can’t smoke in your workplace, often you are not allowed to smoke on sidewalks in front of certain buildings. In winter when it’s 40 below I certainly went and smoked in my warm car vs out in the cold. Hospitals in particular right now tell employees and patients not to smoke even in their parking lots. Though when I was a patient you couldn’t keep me in bed and I smoked away from the front door as did other patients regardless of weather. It was insane to see people dragging IV poles out in the snow with just bathrobes and slippers on just to go have a smoke, total insanity to put sick and recent post-op patients through that.

It is said that nicotine is as powerful an addiction as LSD and yet no one makes facilities available to kick the nicotine habit like they do hard drugs. Usually a drug addict will also not have to pay for their own treatment. Alcohol addiction is much more harmful but you don’t see lobbies for prohibition of it like nicotine and smoking. Both alcohol and cigarettes are legal, LSD and other drugs are not. So why is the smoking lobby going for almost a complete ban on smoking? The government makes millions of dollars on the sale of alcohol and cigarettes. The hypocrisy of this is not to be missed either.  They give you no help in quitting smoking, no government sponsored quitting smoking programs, medications covered by drug plans, nicotine patches which are the most effective aid in quitting are not covered. This leads me to believe that the government really does not want people to quit. If they did they would help.

At the beginning of the cut back on smoking programs, they used to have smoking rooms available with special ventilation that at least was sane and humane. But they didn’t even let us keep that. If you are a non-smoking fanatic I hope you are really proud of yourself for being a self-righteous bully with no humanity for people’s weaknesses and faults and that you must be perfect indeed. If you really wanted me to QUIT  you would help me by lobbying the government to make stop smoking aids covered by health plans. But you have no interest in helping us only in judging us and making our lives as difficult as possible. Maybe God can forgive you but I cannot.

Can Smoking Cause Depression?

link above shows the comparative properties of nicotine, LSD,  Cocaine, Alcohol Marijuana I think you will be surprised.